(No bearing on plot, can safely be missed out. If m/m, hobbit/hobbit, or interspecies filth disturbs you read no further. Before you get frightened Gimli makes no appearance whatsoever in this. If you acted in Lord of The Rings do not read this. If the others stories made JRR Tolkien turn in his grave this one's going to make him do the rumba down there.)
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien owns all the characters used here, he probably won't want them back after we've finished with them.
Rating: PG-13 (SLASH, m/m not v graphic, but vv silly, comedic violence; flatmate strife; language; gratuitous hobbit nudity)
Reviews: yes please, please or else it means we have to revise/work.
Story notes: You asked for smut, we oblige. Don't say we don't listen to our fans.
RANDOM SLASHY INTERLUDE!! (Just to make this absolutely clear - if you're going to read this just to flame us we'll only laugh at you. Lots. This is your final warning. Exits are situated in the 'back' button on your browser.)
Aragorn was in heaven, if heaven had major stubble. Kissing Boromir was a terrible betrayal of Arwen, but right now, he didn't care. Arwen never kissed like this. No elf could ever kiss like this. He began to kiss Boromir's neck and undo his clothes at the same time. Boromir objected, "But what about the others?"
"Legolas and Gimli will look after them, they're off looking for firewood."
"Why don't we light a fire right here?"
Aragorn needed no second invitation, and made a brief attempt at removing Boromir's chain mail with his teeth before giving up and removing it the normal way. He was vaguely aware of Boromir doing the same to him; his clothes were already worn and tattered - teeth marks weren't going to make any difference. Although he knew he was going to regret the big holes Boromir had just made in his thermal underwear. They were kissing and stroking every inch of each other's bodies, moaning with pleasure when Boromir whispered into his ear "Forth, Tyne, Dogger, westerly backing southerly, 6 increasing 7, moderate becoming good."
Aragorn woke to the sounds of the shipping forecast on the radio alarm and the sight of Legolas staring at him in open-mouthed horror. Legolas said, "Are you quite alright?"
Aragorn sat up and bunched the duvet around his waist. "I?m fine, why wouldn't I be?"
"Perhaps that two minutes ago you were thrashing about screaming "Boromir, give it to me, give it to me, big boy!" This was then followed by "Let me feel your citadel baby!" Not only are you having filthy dreams you have really unoriginal dirty talk."
Aragorn had gone deep scarlet. "Was I?"
"I think you know the answer to that. So, did you and Boromir actually get to that citadel?"
"Look, nothing went on with Boromir."
"I know nothing did. What I want to know is why you're having such filthy dreams about him right now."
"I don't know. I mean, I never fancied Boromir. I still don't, I think."
"Perhaps this is all subconscious. Repressed desire."
"Are you calling me gay?"
"On the basis of last night's evidence a jury would say yes. Five separate pieces of evidence in all last night, all of them involving Boromir before you ask."
Aragorn made a mental note to get the sheets in to wash.
"Look, there have been exceptions but I generally don't 'do' guys. And if I did Boromir would NOT be one of them. Clear?"
"Not as clear as last night was."
Aragorn seethed, and headed towards the bathroom, duvet still around his waist. This was not helped by all the hobbits doing varying degrees of 'When Harry met Sally' 'aaaaaaaaaaah, ooh yeah' over their breakfast and sniggering. Any polite question was answered with 'Yes, yes, YES!' He finally headed towards the door and picked up his thermos, which had already been filled.
"Thanks for making my coffee Frodo."
"Um? I didn't make it. Sorry."
Aragorn looked at his full thermos, then shrugged and headed out of the door. As the day wore on Aragorn grew more worried. He was having wild sexual fantasies about Boromir every time he let his attention wander. Like the one where he was back at the secret council in Rivendell and threw Boromir down and made mad passionate love right there and then. Or the complicated one taking place inside Moria, involving an interesting use of Sam's saucepan and Legolas' bow. He didn't even want to think about the one where they both dressed up as Nazgul...
Aragorn was coming to the end of his tether when he arrived home. Even the hobbits could see it, and gave up on teasing him. He got himself a sandwich and went to bed early. Perhaps it was lack of sleep that was doing it?
Boromir had him, slammed up against one of the posts of Blackpool Pier. Aragorn had lost all conscious thought, lost in the moment and the feeling of Boromir, but there was still a small part of him that had a nagging doubt as to why he was dressed as Britney Spears. "Aaah, Boromir..." He could feel himself going over the edge.
He woke up. He could only see Legolas' eyes in the darkness, but he got the impression that his arms were folded as well. Legolas leaned forwards and turned on the light. "We are going to have to do something about this."
"We?"
Legolas blushed. "Well, if it means getting a decent night's sleep, and you are probably my best friend, and I'm an elf, it's not like its any big deal."
"Yes, but then I'd be your husband."
"We do already sleep in the same bedroom."
"Do I get the staff travel pass?"
"I think I'm doing enough for you already. And this is only going to be once."
Aragorn attempted to look suggestive. "Immortality's a long time."
"Which part of 'elves don't have a sex drive' do you not understand?"
"I'm sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood. I don't want things to get... weird."
"Any weirder than knowing your sexual proclivities second hand?"
Legolas moved over and sat on Aragorn's bed. Aragorn sat up and ran his hand through Legolas' hair. "You condition this don't you?"
Legolas was looking uncomfortable. "What do you want me to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"I've, um, well, never done this before." Aragorn looked deeply surprised. Legolas continued, "It's the no sex drive thing, and there's been no one I've wanted to spend the whole of my life with."
It was Aragorn's turn to look worried. "You want to spend the rest of your life with me?"
"Well, it looks like I'm stuck with you."
"No need for the sarcasm." Aragorn kissed Legolas, and began pulling him into bed with him.
"Aragorn?"
"Uhuh."
"I know the mechanics of this, but, um, which bits are supposed to be fun?"
In the next room the 4 hobbits sat holding glasses to the wall had to try very hard not to burst out laughing. Merry and Pippin began making complex hand gestures, not usually known to those below 4 feet tall.
Time had passed: Aragorn and Legolas were lying together in bed.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"How do I compare to Arwen?"
"Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to have a sex drive?"
"Sex drive no, pride, yes."
"I am saying nothing."
"Not even a rating out of ten?"
"Legolas, shut up."
"Make me."
Aragorn put his hand over Legolas' mouth, and Legolas struggled out of his grip into a play fight. On the other side of the wall, 4 hobbits still had their glasses pressed to the wall. Frodo looked at Sam in a confused fashion and mouthed 'no sex drive?'.
Sam whispered back. "Well I reckons there's elves and there's elves."
There was no sign of either Aragorn or Legolas at breakfast time.
"I see they slept in."
"Slept in what exactly?"
"I don't really think there was much sleepin' involved."
Aragorn and Legolas arrived together; acting as if nothing had happened and they had been kept up all night by road mending operations.
"Aragorn, someone's made you up a thermos again."
Something seemed to click and Aragorn looked very suspicious. "Who exactly made this up for me?"
Frodo paused. "I don't actually know."
"Any of you suddenly out of the goodness of your hearts making me thermoses of coffee?"
Everyone shook their heads. Aragorn opened it up and sniffed it, then handed it over to Legolas who sniffed it, took a very small sip and then burst out laughing. "Good grief Aragorn you're made of some stern stuff."
"What is it?"
"Elven aphrodisiac. The only thing that can get an elf, um, into the mood, and we only serve it in very small cups."
"Aragorn, who's the man?" Leered Merry while the others just sniggered.
"The point is, who's been doing this?"
The answer came in a gale of laughter from the sitting room. Gandalf. Aragorn would get his revenge, but against Gandalf it needed planning. Frodo came over, "I'll just pour that away, before it gets into the wrong hands."
Legolas jumped up just a little too quickly, "Ah, no, no, I'll, um, just keep it. For safekeeping. Somewhere safe. And I'm having another shower." He disappeared upstairs with it.
"Don't use all the hot water!"
"I have no intention of doing any such thing!" was the slightly strangled yelled reply.
A week later, and in the early afternoon Frodo was sat at the kitchen table reading 'Good Housekeeping'. Merry and Pippin came in. Frodo looked up "You got sacked then?"
"No. Water main's burst so they closed t'supermarket." He walked over to Frodo. "Which means we have the whole afternoon free."
That evening they were all sat in the sitting room watching TV, sharing out a bottle of red wine, when they heard the letterbox go. Legolas got up and retrieved the letter.
"Its from Mrs. Wainthrop next door. What have you done now?" He began to read and his expression gradually became more and more shocked.
"What is it?" said Aragorn suspiciously. "Mrs. Wainthrop was trying to have a Women's Institute meeting this afternoon. She says that while some of the younger and more impressionable members of the group thought that the performance given by the, and I quote, 'three short gentlemen', on the kitchen table, with both curtains and windows open, was highly amusing, Mrs. Green had one of her turns and had to have a lie down. When, in her lounge, the screams of what sounded like 'who's the hobbit?' were still audible that they would have to call an ambulance for the old dear." Merry, Pippin and Frodo were all looking at their feet. "It goes on, that at the point they thought you had decided to desist, sounds of copulation, screams of lust and the theme tune to the programme 'Thunderbirds' could be clearly heard from an upstairs window. This, though, was not the end. Mrs. Wainthrop would like to respectfully ask that this," Legolas held up a very small red and gold bra, "is not flung over her washing line again. She uses the words 'cavorting', 'acrobatics' and 'sinful' to describe what you were doing. Repeatedly."
Aragorn couldn't help but butt in. "Is that a Princess Leia costume?"
"No," they mumbled in unison.
Gandalf cackled triumphantly and produced from the recesses of his chair a wig bearing a close resemblance to 2 cinnamon buns.
Aragorn looked at Sam. "You don't... mind about this?"
"Why should I mind? What they do in their own time's their own business. I can't say that I approve, but..."
"But what about Frodo?" Asked Legolas.
"What about Frodo?"
"Well, I thought you two were, you know, an item."
"WHAT?" chorused both Sam and Frodo together.
"You're not?"
"No!"
"But what about the quest, you following him all the way into Mordor?"
"He's my best friend. Did you expect me to leave him - oh, sorry, you DID leave him."
"But, but surely?"
"Surely what? Sex, sex, sex, that's all you think about isn't it? What is it with big folk today? You really think I'd go off and have 13 children behind his back?"
"But what about when he gets drunk? And when he has his incidents?"
"Everybody knows Frodo can't hold his drink," said Merry
"And, well," Frodo looked ill at ease, "Sam is a very comforting person when I'm in that state."
Sam narrowed his eyes. "Are you saying I'm fat?"
"No! Comforting is not the same as fat."
Aragorn still looked confused. "But Merry, Pippin you go after girls?"
"Weel yeh, but, its like it would be nice to eat in a posh restaurant every night but ye'll settle for fish and chips."
The punch from Merry was impressive and knocked Pippin to the floor, where Merry kept pummelling him. "You said you loved me you bastard!" Frodo and Sam managed to pull Merry off, Frodo making comments about the wine stains on the carpet, and hold him down.
"Look, I didnae mean it like that."
"What did tha mean it like?"
"Ah'm sorry, Merry ah've stuck by ye for 6000 years, what more d'ye want?"
Merry thought for a moment. "Well that thing wi't'doodah. Y'know."
"That? Again? I'm only hobbit you know, remember what happened last time?"
Merry blushed and looked at the floor.
Frodo was feeling left out. "No one had any doubts about me?"
"What, you? I've known you all my life, I've known you were gay before I knew there was a word for it," said Sam.
Frodo started to say something and then gave up. He took a long drink out of his glass, then stopped and looked at it. "Does this taste odd to anyone else?"
They all looked at their glasses, then at Gandalf. They knew they should have been suspicious but it had been a long day at work, so it hadn't clicked when Gandalf had refused alcohol. He was shaking with repressed laughter. Sam looked at his glass again and mumbled "Oh, no."
Author note; the doctored coffee owes a lot to Nanny Ogg's 'secret special sauce', which is owned by Terry Pratchett. And we borrowed a line of Monty Python.
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