And Taxes 8 - The Mad Fangirl

Title: Yo Ho Ho...
Author: The Mad Fangirl - batya_93@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: Not mine, savvy?

Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Hot guy-guy slashy action. (Was that a warning or a
promo? :) ) Anyway, men having graphic sex with other men. Also, bad
things tend to happen to Jack's goods when I'm around - but only if
it's funny!

Notes: Okay, what  does it say about me when I read a "Jack/Bottle of
Rum" scenario and think, "Now, that's comedy!"

Pairings: Jack/Will, Jack/Bottle of Rum
Summary: This fic was originally written for the Slashers of the
Caribbean FUH-Q fest. Info is here:
http://gotyaoi.com/potc/information.html, homepage is here:
http://gotyaoi.com/potc/main.html .I combined three scenarios for
this fic:
1. Jack introduces Will to the pleasures of rum. 2. Will gets tied to
the wheel of the Pearl while Jack has his evil ways with him. 3. Jack
Sparrow loves to be on the bottom. All warped through my twisted
mind, natch.



* * *
Yo Ho Ho...
by The Mad Fangirl
* * *

What Will could remember of it had seemed to make perfect sense at
the time. Of course, there had been quite a lot of rum involved.

//"Th... the Pearl, she's a woman, savvy? You've got t' truly feel
her, to *know* her, an' this is the best way there is!" Jack slurred
more than usual, on account of the quantity of rum, and the weave in
his step was noticeable even aboard ship, which meant there had been
quite a lot of rum indeed.//

The fact that it made perfect sense should have tipped him off, as it
was fairly well accepted that the only time CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow made
perfect sense was when the listener was three sheets to the wind. 
Not to say that there hadn't been moments Will would look back on
with a warm glow of equal parts love and remembered lust...

//Lashed to the wheel, his body turned with the movements of the
ship, his hips even bucking in time as his captain loved them both
together.  "Th' two things I covet most in this world... y' can' know,
boy..." The last words heard as Will Turner passed out, utterly
spent.//

Utterly drunk off my arse, he reflected, and dared open his eyes,
clenching them shut again as the sun tossed cutlasses straight
through them and into his brain.  At least he knew why his arm hurt,
though. One wrist was still aloft, lashed to the wheel, turning
lazily this way and that.  He'd have to remedy that... when he could
move...

A low, throaty moan caught his attention, and he dared open his eyes
again, this time remembering to shade them.  His captain lay not far,
bare-chested on the deck and half-covered by his coat.  He twitched
in his sleep, face contorting.

"Jack!"

Kohled eyes flew open. "Captain to you, matey... ow!"  Kohled eyes
squinched shut. "Bright! Too bright! Ow!"  A hand snaked out from
under the cloak to rub between furrowed brows. "Oh, I wish you hadn't
have woken me, Will. You and Elizabeth were doing the most marvelous
things with your tongues, and your father... which I won't mention, as
this is beginning to sound perverse even for me... ah, where was I?"

"Not having a nightmare, evidently."

"No, no. And there's evidence, believe you me." Jack Sparrow leered
back at his half-bound mate and twitched his hips suggestively,
fingers twirling downward to the sound of the clink.

"Clink?" Jack frowned again. "Since when do I go 'clink'?" 
Expressive dark eyes widened in horror. "Will, did I... did I get
something... pierced... last night?"

"J-Captain, I doubt I've any more memory of last night than you do. 
I remember..." He indicated the wheel and his hand, attached to its
peg, "In fact, I don't think I'll ever forget... but as to what came
before and after, I can only say with certainty that it involved rum
and a great deal of it.  And that if I could move now, I would heave
any remaining rum over the side with great alacrity."

Jack's face, though still pained, turned wistful. "Your former lady
fair was similarly bloody-minded toward rum after their first
encounter, as I recall. Perhaps it's a good thing you're still fit to
be tied, as it were."

"Tied yes, fit hardly.  Captain, sir, do you think you might..."

"I will, Will, but, you see, we haven't yet settled the issue of why
I go 'clink.'"  He craned his neck a bit, stretching.  "It can't be
anything good, can it?"

"Perhaps you might lift your coat and take a look?"

"Well, Will, I would, but, well..."  The eye that could see the
Pearl's deck scanned quickly, found naught but pirates still dead-
drunk, and closed, as Jack whispered, "...I'm afraid..."

"How bad could it be?"

Jack winced in earnest now. "Oh, Will, Will, Will, if ye're going to
be a pirate, lad, you've got to learn a bit about our customs and
superstitions. Your first lesson, which I fear shall be proven out
shortly, will be in why you should never, ever, ask such questions."

"But really, Captain, how -"

"*Stop*" Jack hissed urgently. "I'll look! Just... *don't* say that
again!"

Will obediently kept mum as his captain peeked beneath the coat. He
watched dark eyes widen as a flick of the wrist snapped the cloak
back down.  Then another slow, cautious peek, and another snap.
Followed by several deep breaths.

Jack Sparrow remained silent, and this worried Will a great deal.

"Ah... it's still there, isn't it?"

"Aye..." the captain responded, slowly.

"Everything in one piece?"

"Aye..."

"Well, then..."

"Will," Jack replied, "Answer me honestly, now, lad, those were
rather wide-mouthed bottles of rum we plundered off the Marie Louise,
aye? Uncommonly copious?"

"A bit, perhaps... why-"

"No, not a bit, unusually so. _Right_?"

"I suppose. But why does it..." Will's own eyes went wide.  "Oh. Oh,
no..." They traveled south to the covered bits of Jack's... bits. 
"No, you didn't..."

"Aye. Makes this just the tiniest bit less embarrassing, mayhap." 
And Jack slowly nudged the coat aside to reveal his manly attributes
quite firmly aroused from his aborted dream, and also quite firmly
lodged in the neck of a bottle of rum.

"Yo, ho, ho..." Will murmured.

Jack sighed. "That the best ye can do, lad?"

He tried again. "Well, I knew you loved rum. I just didn't know you
were so literal about it."

The pirate rolled his eyes. "That probably *is* the best ye can do."

"How did this happen, anyway?"

"'Twas after you passed out, methinks. Something's vaguely coming to
mind about a bet... although I'm not sure if I won or lost..."

"Who was the bet with, then?"

"..." The pirate captain pondered.  "Y'know, I want t' say Cotton's
parrot. That can't be right, can it?"

"There was quite a lot of rum involved."

"But did the bird have any?"

Pondering this made Will's head throb anew. Talking with Jack Sparrow
while hung over was apparently the exact opposite of talking with him
while drunk.  He decided to focus on the task at hand.

Although, getting matters in hand might be a bit difficult as they
were somewhat encased in glass at the moment.  Well, first things
first... the blacksmith's fingers picked at the knot that bound his
wrist to the wheel, freeing it so that Will could then fall backwards
into a motionless heap. It was a better position in which to ponder
the problem, he decided.

At length, he said, "Well, won't this eventually right itself?" He
had more faith in that than in righting his own self at the moment.
After all, it might take a while, but absent relief, the excitement
that sealed the bottle to Jack's flesh had eventually to subside.

"Lad, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." And Will had never heard the words
spoken quite so ruefully before.

"You don't mean to tell me that, since you are the pirate captain of
renown, that..."

"It's more like I'm renown because of that. In part. Rather, my part,
or parts, are renown, because of their fortitude, which therefore
tends to remain in force, until, perforce..."

Will's headache attacked again with a vengeance. "Captain... please...
no rhyming..."

"It's assonance, which alas isn't nearly as dirty as it sounds..."

"You're changing the subject."

"You started it."

"...Right..." And Will discovered he could raise one hand to pinch
between his brows again.  "So you're saying that until you're
physically satisfied, that..."

"As the bird would say, the wind's in me sails."

The young man took a deep breath, shut his eyes, and let the
pinpricks of spray tickle his chest. Any sensation to draw attention
from the pounding in his skull.  "Well," he said, finally, "There is
one thing that's always worked for me."

"Lad, I do hope you're not about to suggest three hours of sword
practice."

"No. Rather, picture the most foul thing your mind can conjure."

"Won't work. I've tried it."

"Think of... think of Barbossa!"

"Won't do, lad. Revenge always gets me interest up."

"Think of Governor Swann! Naked!"

"I'm sure he was an attractive young man... his daughter's lovely,
after all."

"Aaaargh!"

"That's 'Arrrrrrr.' Thought you wanted to be a pirate."

Will pressed his fists to his temples and winced.  "All right, how
about this. We wake Anamaria. She laughs. I know nothing more
detrimental to a man's excitement than a woman's scornful laughter,
and I can't think of a better woman for it."

"Well, lad, that would be a good plan, save for that I've heard the
last man who woke Anamaria after a drunk this long ended up minus
what I've got in me bottle and a good bit more besides."

The new pirate went boneless on the deck in defeat. "Well, we could
always try breaking the bottle."

A sudden scrape of steel met his ears. "Try that and y' will get that
sword practice after all."

Will sat up suddenly, arms crossed to ward a blade, and then realized
belatedly... "I can move!"

"Good for you, boy!" Jack replied with the enthusiasm of one who had
been there. Recently.

"All right, then. No bottle breaking." And Jack nodded fervently,
causing the sword leveled at Will's chest to bob up and down before
lifting away. "So..." With supreme effort, he crawled the few inches
to the captain's side, lifting an aching arm to settle around Jack's
shoulders. "We'll have to work on your condition on our own."  He
kissed Jack's neck, sucking hard and listening to his captain sigh.

"Don't know if you've noticed, but it'll be difficult to access me
condition at present."

"Have you so soon forgotten teaching me the ways of men with men?"

"Kind of ye to say, Will, but I've a feeling I didn't teach ye so
much as give ye a refresher course."

Will wondered hazily when he'd figured that out, then realized Jack
had almost successfully changed the subject again. He swung one leg
up and over his captain's back and flopped to his other side, lips
finding more neck to suckle. Another deep sigh and a small shiver.
Experimentally, he ground his half-clad hips against Jack's unclad
backside.

"Do you not think I could pleasure you as you've pleasured me?

The captain leaned back into him, that warm-tanned backside pressing
close against Will's front-side. There came a soft, scraping clink.

"Ah, me lad, ye're so good at everything else physical... no, I've no
doubt ye could."

"Everyone's asleep..." Will murmured, idly thumbing Jack's nipple to
an accompanying whimper. "Let me take you, Captain... don't you wish
me to?"

"Ohhhh... aye, oh, I do and that's the problem. I've wanted ye to bend
me over a barrel since I first laid eyes on ye - but we can't!"

"Why not?" Will ran one bare foot up the inside of Jack's thigh,
while chewing on his ear.

A ripple ran across Jack's shoulders, washing back and forth and
landing somewhere in the small of his back.  "Isn't *seemly,* boy.
I'm your elder and your captain. I ought t'be atop ye, not beneath.
And I'm a pirate captain - I ought t'be doing the taking, not bein'
boarded!"

"But, if I'm to be First Mate, I must learn the captain's art myself,
is that not so?" Now he licked Jack's earlobe lightly, while his
hands cupped that firm, round rear. "For I'll need to captain this
lovely ship when you're ashore, while you sleep, while you're
incapacitated...?"

"Aye..." The word was oh, so heavy with desire.

"When you've got your mast caught in a bottle..."

"Aye..." A shivery whisper.

Will's hands moved through and under to the last bits he could
reach. "And who better to teach me to plunder than Captain..."
*rub* "Jack" *stroke* "Sparrow?"

*Squeeze.*

A flask of oil smacked him in the face.

"Is that a yes, then?"

"That, me lad, is a bloody well get on with it or I'll string ye up
for the gulls!"

"Yes, sir."

Will slicked his hands with oil, beginning high at Jack's shoulders
and working his fingers deep. The muscles tensed, relaxed, and
relaxed more. Jack gasped, sighed, and sighed more. Will's hands
pulled and pressed and rolled down Jack's back, moving ever lower,
working oil into the base of his spine...

"Lad, perhaps ye misunderstood... the oil's for - Oh! Ahhh,
yes... that's what it's for... ahhh..."

Will rubbed, stretched, and worked the oil in deep. He took care,
too, to coat as much of Jack's manhood as was reachable, drizzling
the stuff about the bottle's neck. Then he anointed himself, and
pressed in to ever-louder whimpers that might have been "more!"
or "harder!" or simply, "ahhh!"

And then, Jack surrounded him completely, tight slick heaven, and he
barely had the presence of mind to keep from working him like steel
on the forge...

"Ah! Me lovely smith...work me like..."

Well, all right then.

"Harder! More! Oh, there, there, there, YES! Will! PEARL!"

Will, thrusting madly, felt the shudder and spill and let go his own
need, hot and hard. After, it was he who shook, slightly, and let
each delicious shiver pass through him and subside.

"Well," he said finally, once reasonably sure his voice would not
crack. "How am I at ravaging?" He pulled, and the bottle came loose
with a pop.

"I'm ruined," Jack muttered, more to himself. "Utterly, completely
ruined. I'll be wanting it all the time, now, bending over for me
mate."

Still, Will noticed once they faced each other, the Captain couldn't
seem to stop smiling.

Across the deck, Gibbs blinked, opening his eyes and quickly shutting
them again as it was indeed far too bright this afternoon. Not that
he hadn't been awake for quite awhile, with his eyes closed.

"Did I dream that," murmured another pirate, "or did the two of them
finally get down to it?"

"Ye were wakin'," Gibbs replied, "and it's about time, too. Pirate
shouldn't have such hang-ups. Isn't seemly."

Meanwhile, Will had found his legs again. With his considerable upper-
body strength, he wound back and pitched a certain bottle of rum far
over the side.

A heavy, tanned body, now back in his coat and naught else, draped
itself across him, said in his ear,

"Will, me lad, never thought I'd say this, but that's one bottle of
rum I'm glad never to see again."

"Good, but I'd have tossed it over regardless." Jack craned his head
around to look him in the eye, and Will shrugged.

"Competition."

* * *

END

TMF